British government officials reacted with dismay after it emerged that an English haddock caught swimming in French EU waters tested positive for Covid flu. The now deceased fish was spotted by a French trawler off the coast of Le Havre apparently in difficulties and concerned fishermen pulled it out of the water.
M. Pecheur displaying the Covid positive haddock
Unfortunately, it was too late and the haddock passed away on the boat with breathing difficulties minutes after being rescued.
Shocked CPR trained skipper Monsieur Pecheur said “its head was below the surface and I knew we had to do something. It started gasping for air when we pulled it out of the water, but it was too late.”
The shocking revelation comes among heightened concerns following the discovery of a covid infected water melon in a Venezuelan supermarket despite the introduction of EU covid resistant wrapping for fruit and vegetables.
We Urge the Public to Wear Masks say Mask Manufacturers
Meanwhile, following the resignation of Health Secretary Matt Hancock who forgot he owns 15% shares in Topwood Ltd, an NHS approved Contract Company he awarded contracts to, chaos reigns.
News of the English Haddock sparked chaotic panic buying with already stupefied shoppers standing for hours in queues outside supermarkets to stockpile toilet rolls.
In a far off galaxy aboard the Starship Enterprise, Captain Kirk remarks to Jim McCoy:
Captain Kirk watches Covid panic buyers stockpiling toilet rolls
An Asda employee in Sheffield told Oddsprockets Weekly Herald, “ee by gum, we’ve not seen nowt like this since Hovis gi thi 10p off a loaf” and in other parts of Britain there are confirmed reports of widespread ‘Follow the Haddock’ demonstrations.
Passerby pensioner Edna Shufflebottom who claims her grandmother recently died from covid warned against complacency and added “don’t these people listen to the BBC? It’s the unvaccinated who haven’t got covid that are spreading it around!”
However, not everyone agreed and in nearby Bradford a Daily Mail reader who wished to remain anonymous told reporters, “I’m against vaccinations. I was recently talking to a man in the pub who got vaccinated and his head fell off.”
Meanwhile, in a daily televised briefing the new Health Secretary Mr. Sajid Javid it was time to “level up” and that the haddock had not been trying to escape Britain from curve flatteners, lockdowns, vaccinations and masks, but that it had simply “got lost” and went on to reassure the public there was no evidence that fish cakes carry the flu.
Earlier government reports that the NHS were hiding dead bodies behind Tesco’s in Banbury have also proved to be false and plan ‘D’, the idea to use aircraft to crop spray the population with Lemsip powder is still under discussion. Previously hugging trees to stop the ice caps melting, Britain now joins in the latest dance craze of the two meter shuffle, whilst jabbing each other with needles and opening their windows to let the flu out.
Other News in Brief
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HMS Woke, previously HMS Illustrious, fires LGBT+ approved pink paint bombs over the starboard bow of a French fishing trawler in the English channel.
HM Queen considered abdicating to Zimbabwe
A disappointed HM the Queen
Anonymous palace sources confirm the late HM The Queen had considered moving to Zimbabwe to get away from Covid cult fanatics. In an exclusive interview the Queen said, “One may have fought a civil war against King Charles the First, but look at the Muppets you’ve got ruling you now.”
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